The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
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My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
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Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize