Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
