How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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