What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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