So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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