i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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