Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
