Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
