he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
