I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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