you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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