I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
