put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
