at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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