my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
