So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
