I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
