Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
