carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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