Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
