my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
