I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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