On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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