My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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