guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
