On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
