Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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