How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
