There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
