Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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