i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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