we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
