the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
