i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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