Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
