you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
