I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
