Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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