phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
you had me at cake vodka
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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