I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
