I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
