last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
