My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
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I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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