She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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