I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
