9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
