Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
