Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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