I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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