tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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