So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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