im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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