i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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