You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I skipped work to stalk him.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
