i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
is that a dick in a sweater?
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